“What’s funny is you think you know who this is.” It says. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s not your ex. Haven’t you figured out he doesn’t care about you anymore? Or is that what really bugs you. Everyone knows you are a liar. And we don’t have to hear it from him to know it. If you knew what boundaries were you would not have cheated on him however many years ago it was. If you get to lie about who/what you are, why can’t I by giving a fake name?” My little commentator wrote, using yet another freshly minted email address. Seriously dedicated, this cowardly one!
It wasn’t so much what was written, words meant to stir up hurt of some sort, thrown out by an individual with all their own baggage, coloring how they uniquely receive information and perceive the world. What intrigued me was the defensively convicted tone with which the words were written. Isn’t it just like a subordinate, who’s drank the Kool-Aid, to wield their sword, claiming to know truth when in fact all they are doing is regurgitating what’s been fed to them through a tube? How fascinating that we take what we are spoon fed by others as gospel without actually checking our facts. How quick we are to pass judgement and believe the lies that others tell us in order to build themselves up. Opinions formed without taking the time to sit back and consider what may be part of a person’s backstory, what may be going on in their lives behind closed doors, or that what we’ve been told is quite possibly blatant untruth. Not a single one of us can say that we have never been quick to judge or believe something we’ve been told without all the facts to back it up. And, I might add, THANK YOU JESUS that the commentator knows for fact that my ‘wasband’ doesn’t care about me anymore!!!! I’ve been waiting for yeeeaaaarrrrsss to hear those words!!!!!!!!!
I was folding laundry and listening as the news station was reporting on a portion of the Patrick Frazee – Kelsey Berreth trial proceedings and findings that were released a week or so ago. I snapped my head around as I looked at my husband wide eyed! Memories came flooding back to me that I’d long since buried and forgotten. “He did that to me!!! It was the craziest thing and I remember trying to decide if he was serious, like actually believing what he was saying to me or just hoping I would buy into the theatrics!” Patrick Frazee, they reported, had been texting himself from Kelsey Berreth’s phone inventing this whole imaginary conversation between the two of them in an attempt to cover his tracks a bit. My ‘wasband’ had done the same thing on numerous occasions. He’d take my phone and go into another room or drive off with it, texting people he was convinced I was having affairs with as well as friends he was sure knew something and attempted to manipulate them into spilling the beans about the imagined affairs. Then he would text himself from my phone having an entire conversation between the two phones!
The first few times it happened I felt as though I was losing my mind. He’d make this huge production about how unfaithful I was and then yell, “I saw your phone! It’s all there Jess!!! And how could you forget texting me and admitting your guilt!?!” I had always left my phone unlocked. I never felt I had anything to hide or worry about. I figured if the phone was unlocked, he could go through it anytime he felt insecure (all the time). I never considered he’d start making up conversations and trying to drag my friends into his crazy making by texting from my phone! After his notorious tantrums would subside, I would pick up my phone and start reading through text messages I knew I hadn’t sent trying to make sense of it all. At first he had me where he wanted me, off balance, confused and at a loss (narcissists love it when you are questioning reality and doubting what you know to be truth). Until I caught him in our bathroom with my phone one night.
“What are you doing?” I asked, naively expecting a truthful answer. “Isn’t that my phone? I’ve been looking everywhere for it!” He put it in his pocket and shook his head at me. “I don’t know where your phone is. You’re so careless! I give you a nice phone as a gift and you can’t even take care of it!” He scolded me. I know the look on my face said more than I intended, it often times does. He turned, tossed it on the counter and said, “It’s sitting right here! You’re such an idiot leaving it lay around like you do!” I was in utter disbelief as I watched him storm off. As I read through what he had been texting I could read the confusion in between the lines of those he was texting. As he railed me for the conversations he’d been having it began to dawn on me that he might very well believe what he was saying … or did he?
As I read back through my little commentator’s latest intended attack it dawned on me that the individual may very well believe every carefully blended spoon filled concoction that they willingly swallow without second thought. We are all prone to passing judgement. For oh so many years, I took what he said to me at face value, never questioning for a second that what he said might be a white lie. I didn’t think I had any reason not to believe him. It never dawned on me why he loved Miranda Lambert’s song, “White Liar”, so much! Narcissists love that their victims are either too naive to ask questions or too afraid to. Either way, even if the co-dependent is suspicious of some foul play in some way or are bold enough to present hard evidence to back up facts, even when the truth is there in black and white, the narcissist will stick to the script they have already written until death do they part, the script tightly clenched in their grimy hand. The truth can be in front of them, undeniable and overly obvious and they will continue to deny its existence. It doesn’t fit into the narrative they have created for themselves where they are routinely the victim … always and forever … They will meticulously hand pick and surround themselves with others who will play into their hand, cohorts willing to eat whatever they’re fed without hesitation, blindly doing the work of the narcissist spreading their lies for them ensuring that their victim hood remains rooted and strong. The lengths a narcissist is willing to go are limitless. Texting and emailing others, having imaginary conversations with them in order to build their case, hiring people to follow their victims, photo-shopping pictures to back up their imagined narrative, it’s all in the toolbox of a narcissist.
If, like I once was, you are beginning to ask questions and see things more clearly. If, like I was, you are beginning to see through the fog that has so thickly encircled your thoughts, logic and reality and you are beginning to realize that your relationship has been built upon lies supported by abuse and manipulation. If, like I did, you have begun to realize that what you once believed to be rock solid truth is in reality, shifting sand at best and you are unsure what to do about it, reach out. You are not alone and the clarity that comes from the time spent in a round pen with a horse, your closed toe shoes in the dirt (no boots necessary) and the wide open spaces of the prairie awakening your senses is priceless. I’ve been in your shoes and so have many, many others. You are not alone and you are not losing your mind. Let the doubters, doubt and the haters, hate. They’re passing judgement no matter what it is you say and do. The round pen is a safe space, judgement free and sacred. The perfect space to sort through and discover your truth.
You can find the horses and me at: http://untetheredhearts.com/
“You are powerful, beautiful, brilliant & brave” ❤