Humor In The Tunnel

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You may be fortunate to have never been married to a covert narcissist.  And it is VERY fortunate!  However, you have likely had a run in with one at some point in your life.  It may be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a co-worker or even a so called “friend.”  They are rampant in our population and our society rewards their cut throat, wily, conniving ways.  So, though my focus is on sharing what I have learned about narcissism through my own experiences and research as well as what I have learned and experienced through the process of healing my deep, oozing, wounds inflicted by a narcissistic partner, the damage they cause is widespread and can come from anywhere.

I shared about the constant re-traumatization that my kids and I experience and how utterly exhausting it is.  I want to share something with you that was intended to be a personal attack.  It was meant to belittle me, to drive me to lash out and feel the pain that my ‘wasband’ loves to inflict however, it had quite the opposite effect on me.  There has been … how do I say this … a lot more “communication” as of late.  He operates like clockwork and spools up certain times of the year.  I know to expect it just as I expect that winter will give way to spring (eventually …  Lol!).  He will do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to avoid paying what is due (and I’ll leave it at that).  When I hit a nerve in him with the truth, he will invariably strike back with personal attacks and outright ugliness.  Here is what he closed one of his emails out with:

“I’m tired of your games. Im tired of you picking and choosing what orders from the court you feel like following. Contrary to what you continually lie about on your little blog, my best interests are our children. So…go ahead and twist this response to however you choose…I know you need to drum up business and sympathy somehow. Your slander and defamation of me only reflects poorly on you.”

So while I regain my composure from laughing so hard let me say, this is ridiculously hilarious to me!  Not to mention, I feel like he wanted me to share it with all of y’all who read my “little blogs“!    I mean he says so, ” … go ahead and twist this response to however you choose …”  Oh my goodness, seriously … I need a minute to get myself together … hold please while I wipe the laugh-cry tears out of my eyes!  This is almost as good as when he had his partner compose an email for him to send me and I knew right away it wasn’t from him directly when I read things like, ” …I apologize for accusing you … I can see how what I wrote to you would, rightfully, put you on the defensive … of which none is your fault … of which isn’t any of my business anyway …” Seriously, he NEVER apologized, owned any responsibility for his actions or EVER claimed something wasn’t my fault over the course of the 24 years I’ve known him!  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  I seriously need to catch my breath for a minute!

My laughter is a genuine response that has taken time … a lot of time to come to.  It is some of the light that can be at the end of your tunnel!  What begins to happen as you find clarity through understanding is that the “attacks” don’t get to you anymore.  There is true humor in the attempts made.  Narcissists are incapable of seeing that what they project onto others, is actually all their own crap!  Everything he tried to pin on me is actually all his to own!  What you can read in between the lines of his attempt at attacking me is the insecurity that is the root of his fearful, paranoid existence.  Narcissists are deeply insecure and terrified that others might uncover the truth of who they actually are under their well rehearsed persona, that mardi gras mask elaborately embellished with brightly painted designs, feathers, glitter and bling, meant to distract from who’s behind it!

The best part of his whole rant is the fact that he’s reading my “little blogs“!  I’m not sure I’m honored, humbled or really even care other than for the fact that I now know … ready for this …..  I’M IN HIS HEAD!!!  LOL!  That – Is – Awesome!!!  He spent far too many years in my head intimidating and abusing me with his threats, lies and accusations without ever paying rent for that space and now that he’s been evicted, it seems as though sweet justice has been served!

No matter your walk in life, there is light at the end of your tunnel.  That light is in laughing (truly finding humor) over something that was intended to cause pain.  That light is in smiling every day, even when it’s a rough one.  That light is in putting one foot in front of the other as we leave the old behind and trek along a path that’s new.  That light is in finding happiness on the gloomiest days and dancing in the eye of the hurricane.  That light is taking that first, second, and third step, gaining momentum as we chase after the life we truly deserve and desire!  That light is in healing our wounds and battle scars so that we thrive!

I’m not one for MSU (making shit up) or “drumming up business and sympathy“.  I write what I write one, to continue to process my own journey and two, because I want you to know, you aren’t alone.  I felt so very alone as I began learning what I had been married to and facing Goliath in the form of  divorce and recovery.  I felt stupid, ignorant, naive, embarrassed … you name it.  What I didn’t know was that my situation was and is anything but unique.  I would like to think that you might find comfort in knowing, you aren’t alone on your path.

Learn more about what my horses and I can offer you.  Our website is:  http://untetheredhearts.com .

There is light at the end of your tunnel, no matter what that tunnel is comprised of.

“You are powerful, beautiful, brilliant and brave” ❤

Narcissist Aren’t Normal

 

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Would it sound weird if I said how grateful I am to have learned so very much about narcissism?  My superhero husband has even experienced the borrowed benefit of my studies!  Lol!  He picks up on narcissistic patterns quite quickly in those he interacts and deals with on a regular basis.  I suppose we have my covert narcissistic ‘wasband’ to thank!  Knowing what I now know, I can remind myself I’m not losing my mind when dealing with my ‘wasband’ and remind myself that narcissists don’t logic like normal functioning people do, so don’t try to make sense out of their illogical ways!

“No.  I am unwilling to give up a day on the only weekend each month that I have.”  A simple response to his request, I thought.  I hit the send button and then cringed knowing what was coming.  The narcissist will retaliate when boundaries and limits are imposed on them.  It’s like clockwork, you can take it to the bank.  And he did just that, name calling (I guess I’m a manipulative, lying  … well, you can fill in the blanks), shaming me (apparently I’m the world’s worst mother, who knew!?!) and conveying the utter contempt he holds for me (I have the audacity to exist on this planet).  I’m … so … shocked … Say this in the driest, most monotone, bored voice you can muster.  You see, he thought it was perfectly okay to ask me to give up the third Saturday of every month so that my baby girl can participate in a club he wants her to be a part of.  During the school year, we get one weekend per month with the kids, the third weekend.  I am stingy with that time.  The kids are home with us during the school week and there is rarely time for cuddling on the couch or “play” time (not sure what to call it since they’re both teens).  They are up at 6:30 a.m. and on the bus by 7:15 a.m.  They roll back in around 4:45 p.m. with homework to do, supper to eat and showers to take before they’re headed for bed at 8:30 p.m.  That one weekend a month that we get, is precious to me!  It’s the only opportunity we have to be together without time constraints and schoolwork and I wasn’t about to give that up!  That is a boundary for me that I clearly set years ago!  A narcissist will continuously test and push the boundaries you set like a toddler that you repeatedly tell, “NO!  Don’t touch!”  And God help you if you give even an inch … the narcissist will take thousands of miles!

Do not ever, never, ever forget that the narcissist is ALWAYS the victim!  A booth for selling girl scout cookies was scheduled, by him, at a time that cut into our time with the kids.  Our exchanges have been, for many years now, at 6:00 p.m. on Friday evenings during the school year.  The booth was scheduled from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. ….. an hour’s drive from his residence.  That meant that in order for my daughter to host the booth, she and her brother had to leave home an hour earlier than normal.  When I pointed this out and stated that if the kids were leaving an hour earlier then I expected them home an hour earlier on Sunday, he went into full blown tantrum mode!  That’s right!  Made a HUGE scene in front of the kids, frustrating my daughter to tears as he left a dramatic message for the troop leader (insert hand over face here) to cancel the booth.  It wasn’t his fault that he scheduled the booth and failed to inform me that it affected me much less offer a solution.  It made more sense to make a scene over it!  Note to self: narcissists cannot, as in are totally and completely incapable of owning their crapola, their “stuff”It does not matter how apparent, obvious or factual it is that the narcissist is responsible for something, it’s someone else’s fault!  Hell, they aren’t above throwing their own kids under the big yellow bus so long as no one points a finger at them!

And …..

Oh, yes, there’s plenty more however this is the biggie!  They – never – go -away, especially when kids are involved!!!!!  Just because the final orders (if it’s a legal divorce situation) are stamped and the ink is dry and collecting dust doesn’t mean it’s over and everyone moves on in their lives.  Just because they find a new willing victim to shack up with, doesn’t mean they move on.  Just because, you remarry and begin building a new life, doesn’t mean they move on.  Oh, no, no, no, no … they cannot let go.  The narcissist will continue to date you in any sick and twisted way they can muster.  Think incessant court filings, police reports, emailing, harassment of any and every kind … you name it, they will keep at it!  And, our legal system actually encourages the behavior (insert another hand over face emoji).  I keep telling myself we’re in the home stretch.  We’ve got about 5 years to go … I’ll let you know if 18 years is the magical number!  Lol!  We haven’t been in court in 2 years and that alone has me a little nervous.  That’s the single longest stretch between court battles to date.

I share this to hopefully shed some light on the illness and to hopefully help you put things in perspective.  You can even borrow some of my self talk, it sounds something like, “It’s not you Jess.  He is incapable of thinking, let alone acting, in a normal, logical manner.  DO NOT attempt to make sense out of something that will NEVER make sense.  Go team! (clap your hands together) Break!”  My horses and I are here to support you as you begin to detangle yourself from the tangled, knotted mess that breaking free from a relationship with a narcissist is.  Actually, it may be more appropriate to call it a strangle hold … either way, my horses and I are here.  Breaking free and healing the deep wounds that are inflicted upon you by a narcissistic partner is not a one man job.  You cannot go it alone.

Untethered Hearts exists to offer broken, bruised, battered souls the support, love and encouragement that they may not have anywhere else in this world.  When navigating the hellish path of divorce (whether you were married legally or not) and the painful process of healing the open, oozing wounds left in the wake of a relationship with a narcissistic partner, you need someone with experience, grit, strength a deep well of knowledge and a hell of a lot of heart to walk with you toward the light at the end of your tunnel.  And, it is possible to heal those oozing wounds.  My horses and I have the salve and are humbled to offer it to anyone in need.

To learn more about what my horses and I do, go to our website at: http://untetheredhearts.com/

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“You are powerful, beautiful, brilliant & brave”  ❤