I have been taught that dreams are our subconscious’ way of sharing messages with us in our conscious state. Dreams are gifts from the subconscious. I had a recurring nightmare that would wake me up every few months for a few years and then it was a few times a month and then a few times a week! I didn’t share it with anyone! I never dreamt much and the dream I was having was about as dark as I thought one could be. I would startle awake moaning and crying, my heart racing, feelings of utter horror coursing through my body. The fear I felt upon waking was almost paralyzing. I would get out of bed and rush to the kid’s bedrooms to check on them making sure all was well and that it truly was only a dream. I’d try not to fall back to sleep, dreading the dream that put such horrific images in my head. I just couldn’t quite understand why I was having this recurring nightmare from hell! I didn’t realize then, my subconscious was trying to save me.
We stood in the doorway to my son’s bedroom. He was asleep in his bed. My ‘wasband’ had his left hand on the back of my neck as he forced me through the doorway into my son’s bedroom. He had a gun in the other hand. As he forced me to my son’s bedside I was filled with terror as he seethed through his teeth, cursing me and angrily muttering words I couldn’t understand. Then he raised the gun, pointing it at my son. My cries for help and for him to stop the madness woke my precious boy. As his sweet, sleep filled eyes began to take in the scene before him, I watched as they shifted from sleepy to frightened. He began to plead for his life asking why his dad was doing this and as he kept yelling, “Mom! Mom make him stop!”, I squeezed my eyes shut, the muzzle of the gun pressed into my temple. My ‘wasband’ yelled at me to open my eyes. He demanded that I watch what he was about to do. He demanded that I lay witness to my son’s murder and with that he shot my son in cold blood. I would fall to my knees, sobs emanating from deep within, reaching for my son’s lifeless body only to have my ‘wasband’ jerk me to my feet with a fist full of my auburn hair.
He would then force me down the hallway to my baby girl’s room as I yelled in horror knowing full well she was next. And as he forced me to her bedside while I pleaded for her life, I could hear the fear in her cries as she screamed trying to get out from under her covers so that she could run. The barrel of the gun pressed against my head once more as I squeezed my eyes closed, praying to awaken from this hellish nightmare. Opening my eyes as he demanded, my baby girl crying out, “Mama, NO! Tell him to stop! MAMA!!!” and all at one he pulled the trigger silencing her cries. Hitting my knees once more reaching for her, watching the blood leave her body I screamed the most primal of screams.
In my nightmare there were two endings and I never knew which I would experience…
As I sobbed on my knees, feeling utterly hopeless knowing both kids were dead and help couldn’t save them no matter how fast it arrived, I mustered the strength to turn and stare into my ‘wasband’s’ eyes. As I did, he pulled the trigger and shot me. As I felt the life leave my body I can remember feeling at peace and grateful that I didn’t have to live without my kids. The last thing I heard was one final shot as the coward that had murdered the three of us took the chicken shit way out and turned the gun on himself.
More times than not, my nightmare ended with my ‘wasband’ turning the gun on himself leaving me to suffer through the loss of my children the rest of my days.
To this day, I could go into great detail about my surroundings in the midst of the nightmare though I will spare you the gore. It was so, so real to me. I could feel the coolness of the air in the house. I could tell you which lights were on and which were not. I could describe to you the sound of the percussion of the gun being fired and how it caused my ears to ring. I could describe to you the position each kid was laying in and where the blood stained the floor and bedding. I could tell you where the brain matter was along the walls, door and ceiling after my ‘wasband’ cheated pain and punishment. I could describe the sound of my kid’s cries and the sound of silence as death filled the house.
The last time I had that dream was shortly before final orders. It was as if my subconscious wanted to make doubly sure I didn’t forget who my enemy was and the dark forces I was battling against in an effort to save my kids and myself. I remember the dream vividly though I no longer wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night terrified it’s more than a dream.
I was hesitant to write about my nightmare … or maybe it’s that I was hesitant to put such awfulness onto paper for all to read (there’s plenty of awfulness in the world these days, I really don’t need to contribute!). Either way, I decided it’s my duty to share. Someone may be reading this who’s having their own recurring, nightmarish dream that wakes them in a cold, terrified sweat and as they work to slow their breathing and get a grip, they may be muttering to themselves, “He’s right, you are crazy! This is nonsense!” I am here to tell you that you aren’t crazy and isn’t nonsense. It’s something to take a more in-depth look at. You’re dream may not be warning you of danger ….. then again…..
Living with and ultimately leaving a covert narcissist is a journey through hell that’s difficult for people to comprehend. They’ve never dealt with the stealthily conniving, manipulative practices the narcissist utilizes to emotionally decimate their prey. They intimidate and abuse financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually and engage in all out psychological warfare!
To learn more about what my horses and I do go to my website at: http://untetheredhearts.com/
We exist to offer broken, bruised and battered souls the support, love and encouragement that they may not have anywhere else in this world. When navigating the hellish path of divorce and the painful process of healing the open, oozing wounds left in the wake of a relationship with a narcissistic partner, people need someone with experience, grit, strength, a deep well of knowledge and a hell of a lot of heart to guide them toward the light at the end of their tunnel ❤ I’m that person.
“You are powerful, beautiful, brilliant & brave”