Comin’ In Hot

047BW

I had this beautiful mare, Russia.  She made no bones about who she was!  I laugh as I type that!  She was athletic, highly intelligent, sensitive, beautiful and for the most part, had her ears pinned 24/7!  People would visit and say, “Stay away from that one, she looks mean.”  I could see the mare smile a little as she winked at me, “Mission accomplished.”  Those humans weren’t worth her time!  LOL!  She came into my life totally annoyed by people and with little tolerance for our stupidity and over inflated ego.  She would pile me into a heap on the ground regularly and then stand over me with a horsey smirk, “Try again, smarty!” she’d snort at me.  And I loved her!!!  She was all her!  She made no bones about who she knew she was and she had no intention of changing anything about herself to make others more comfortable around her.  Sheesh, now as I type this, I realize how much I truly miss her…..

That mare taught me more than I could share in one small blog.  I became a far more attuned, sensitive horsewoman and she humbled me … every time I found myself on the ground at her feet … where she felt people belonged … kissing the ground she walked on!  LOL!  Now I look back and realize I learned something else,  the lesson is only now beginning to reveal itself.  Russia taught me to fully embrace the me that I was born to be.  You hear all about people proclaiming that they are who they are and screw everyone else.  If we are honest with ourselves, are we ever truly who we are in all circumstances, around all people?  I’m not.

This past week was another intensive four days of learning.  I went into it feeling more settled than the last time and excited to see familiar faces.  I learned many, many, many lessons and came home with some serious homework for myself ( that’s another blog 😉 ).  I spent the weekend with this feeling in the pit of my stomach I couldn’t quite nail down.  Not like a sick feeling or dread, anticipation, or anything like that.  It rolled around in there, making itself known and leaving me to try and define it.  It dawned on me after being home for a few days that I think I know what that “feeling” is/was.  It was the feeling of what it’s like to begin to be all me.  I know, it sounds so stupid!  It’s true though.  I don’t think I can name even one instance when I’ve been 100% me and been accepted … embraced for it.  I know, I know, family loves me, “friends” love me, etc. however, if I’m real with myself, there is always something I temper down when I’m around them, something about me that they don’t like and so I tame down whatever that characteristic might be.

We checked in the third day of class with three words.  It could be how we were feeling, what was going on that morning, where we were at in that current moment, anything.  Pick three words to describe that.  Well it was my turn and I said, “Comin’ – in – hot!” I roll my eyes as I type that!  Those were my three words amongst people who were using descriptive words like: deep, insightful, open, intrigued, etc., I said, “Comin’ in hot” …  It was true, I was running a bit late that morning and what should have been a 45 minute drive I did in about 35 minutes behind the wheel of a bad ass white dually that had wings that morning!  I literally was coming in hot!  The beauty was, instead of getting the stink eye or put down for my lack of depth, everyone embraced my three words and it seemed to become a fun theme for everyone!  As the words fell out of my mouth onto the arena floor I was annoyed with myself for being so candid (not usually well received in most groups of people) and then I found myself being embraced by my fellow classmates, totally accepted for speaking my truth in that moment and being 100% me.

It feels so odd to be all me.  It feels vulnerable.  I’ve spent my lifetime not being all me and now to be in a position where I can allow all of me to unfold … YIKES!  I think of Russia in all her beauty and what made her most beautiful to me wasn’t her roany coat, her long flowing tail or her athleticism.  What was most beautiful to me about her was that she was unabashedly, unapologetically, 100%, Russia and there isn’t anything more beautiful than a being encompassing all of who they are.  Be forewarned … I’m learning to unabashedly, unapologetically, be 100% me and I’m not sure that arena can contain it!  LOL!!!