Peering into the Dark

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It was a summer!  I have no idea where it went and I’m not 100% sure it was actually even here!  When our beautiful bus driver pulled up the first morning the kids went back to school I think the confusion was more than evident on my face.  “Didn’t you just drop these guys off for the summer!?!”  She was in agreement, it felt like the kids had just made their jail break!  Big sigh …  I’m not sure who “they” are however you know what “they” say, “Time flies when you’re having fun!”  I’m pretty sure it flies when you are running in 500 different directions too and that’s n-o-t fun!  Time flies when you’re learning and to say that this was a summer of learning is a gross understatement.

I scheduled some of my more intensive learning for weeks the kids were with their dad over the summer.  It made sense to me that not only was I occupying my time (I HATE the summer rotation – week on/week off), I was also making sure I didn’t cut into the little time we do get together when they are home for a week.  I really didn’t know what I was in for attending my first CORE session.  Four days of intensive learning… I left with brain blisters!  It was a good thing the kids were gone because I’m not sure how I made it into bed at night during those sessions!

Part of CORE and really this whole program is about doing your own personal work (how can you help others with a basement full of your own dusty baggage?).  It’s about peering around inside and taking inventory of what’s there.  Sooooo much of my “past life” I thought I had buried.  Moving on, right?  Leave the past in the past, don’t look back and soldier on.  It has begun to come into my awareness that what I’ve actually done is kick some dirt over the rotting carcass of hurt, anger, betrayal, abuse, all that was my past and put a clothes pin on my nose!  It’s still rotting away in the hole I threw it all in whether I choose to look the other way and plug my nose or not!  In order to truly heal I need to summon up the courage it will take to climb down into that hole and begin addressing every inch of that rotting carcass so that it vanishes in its entirety.  Beyond cremating it, there won’t be any ashes left of the thing!  And that process terrifies me!  Fear is written all over that ladder that descends into that hole!

If fear is the opposite of love, how can I ever love to my greatest ability if I am unwilling to peer into the darkness and shed light on fear?  I was set up to release some of my anger at that first CORE (“Ummmm, wait a minute, I’m not angry.” I stated.  After what’s been done to me, seriously, not angry? D-e-n-i-a-l!).  What I learned from the experience is that much like my sexy dually pick up has a governor on the motor, I too have a governor of sorts.  Over the years she has quickly adapted to the environment I found myself in and anything that might land me into trouble, including shedding tears, was suppressed.  This precious governor has kept me safe all these years tempering my emotions, my reactions, my mouth (HUGE one there) and just about everything else about me, besides my face….controlling my tongue is not a huge problem however my face, my face may need deliverance!

I attend another CORE in a couple weeks and I know in my heart it’s time to climb down into that hole.  One rung at a time, it’s time to begin loosening my governor and allowing light to penetrate those wounds.  Joseph Zinker says, “Faith says: “Stay with it and trust your feelings, hunches, and intuitions as you go on … if you truly cannot handle an area you will simply avoid seeing it anyway … chances are that something good will happen at the end if you stay with yourself long enough to reach partial completion of the work.”