Wide Open & Wild

021BW

I get to be the mother of two pretty cool kids! ¬†Clayton is my old soul and Rebecca…well let’s just say she’s my outlaw mustang ūüėČ ¬†It’s pretty lucky for me, the kids too, but mostly for me, to have been gifted with the ability to successfully partner with difficult horses because much of it applies to raising wild hearted children too! ¬†LOL!

I’ve always been drawn to the tougher horses. ¬†The outlaws that no one else wants to deal with. ¬†I learned long, long ago that each sorely misunderstood horse is unique, with their own set of opinions about things. ¬†They don’t fit in a box and their retraining has to be handled with care and a little tongue in cheek sense of humor at times. ¬†The multitude of life’s lessons these horses have shared with me I’ve tried to apply to raising these kids. ¬†One of the most important lessons has been about shaping and not breaking.

Rebecca is wild at heart. ¬†She is this beautiful mix of rich love, exuberant life, and dirt! The girliest tomboy you will ever meet. ¬†She can rock a pink tutu, a pretty little headband with a huge pink flower on it all while drawing back on her bow aimed at a target! Although she combs her hair now (boys to impress), once upon a time we called her regular hairdo, “prairie hair”. ¬†Whichever way the prairie wind blew her hair that’s how it was going to be for the day and you didn’t mess with it! ¬†Trying to “do” her hair was insulting to her very core!

Along with being wild at heart, the kid has her own thoughts on things and if she believes that something is wrong or someone is being wronged, well … she has no problem letting you know! ¬†She’s tough and she’ll call you out. ¬†She’s the kind of person you want in your corner. ¬†She’s got your back and she’ll go down swinging. ¬†I tell her that beautiful, smart and wild rarely show up in the same package and yet here she is, all of those things! Her beautiful hazel eyes flash back a wild twinkle at me and I know that her wild little spirit feels validated.

We had fairly regular Mexican standoffs when she was much smaller over little things like napping, picking up toys or going to the house after being outside with the horses. The kid had met her match in me, I already had years of experience dealing with horses who were also wild at heart, opinionated, nonconforming beauties and I knew to handle her with care. ¬†Rebecca was known to throw herself in the dirt face down, snotting and crying, kicking and cussing (toddler cussing, not what you’re thinking!), looking up periodically to see if she was making much headway getting a reaction out of whomever her wrath was directed at. ¬†Poor little beauty, I’d let her flail on the ground and wait her out! ¬†LOL! ¬†Most people would¬†scramble for cover or try to physically restrain her (talk about things getting really western … ugh). ¬†I wasn’t real fazed by it. ¬†After having 1200 lbs of horse flesh do that same kind of thing, a pretty little, now boogery, mud, crusted faced beauty, didn’t bother me one bit! ¬†I laugh now thinking about it. ¬†She’s tough alright but I’m tougher and far more patient ūüėČ ¬†These tantrums usually ended with the same dazed look on her face that I see in the horses. ¬†Their reaction to my non reaction is usually the same, slightly perplexed, eyes softened, ambling up to me for a little contact be it a hand on their shoulder or a full on hug. ¬†How grateful am I to the horses that have taught me to ride out the storm.

I have always approached both kids with the same common goal at heart, to never, ever, never attempt to change who they were innately born to be. ¬†To keep their spirit in tact instead of breaking it. ¬†Clayton was born an old soul. ¬†He loves old pick up trucks, antique treasures and Bob Seger (which actually makes him pretty damn cool because I love Bob too!). ¬†Rebecca was born to be wild as the the wind (in that nonconforming, be her own person kind of way). ¬†I learned early on to handle the horses that crossed my path with gentle reassurance. ¬†I want them to know that they are safe to be the individual God created them to be, with me. ¬†The horses I work with are welcome to express their opinions ¬†… as long as it isn’t dangerous. ¬†I’d much rather be as soft as possible and only as firm as necessary. ¬†So many of these horses have been in the hands of individuals who demand they conform and take on the shape of a cube that fits so easily into ‘The Box’. ¬†When these horses don’t conform, the attempt is made at breaking their spirit, knock them down a few notches so they’re easier to handle. ¬†Rebecca has also experienced this and it utterly breaks my heart.

She knows she’s safe here at home. ¬†She knows she can be who God made her to be and she’s learning the same tough lessons these horses have. ¬†That people you trust, that claim to “love” you and whom you are dependent upon for your care will go to great lengths¬†to try and tame your wildness and break your spirit. ¬†And much like the horses, she has a choice to make. ¬†She can conform and settle for a square existence (really isn’t this the easier path to follow after so many have beat down this road ahead of her?). ¬†She can be bitter, hateful, spite filled, rebellious and pissed (plenty of angry individuals out in the world who have beat down this trail too)! Or, she can find her way back into the arms of those who love her wild, non conforming beautiful self and rest.

We joke that Rebecca will live with us forever! ¬†It will take a very secure and loving man to keep up with her. ¬†It won’t be easy to love her for the wild, untamed beauty she is. ¬†To peek through that wind blown auburn hair, peer into those dancing hazel eyes and embrace that outlaw mustang galloping through her soul….. That will take a special person and God help him if he ever attempts to break her spirit and tame her wildness. ¬†If she doesn’t bust in two and send him packing, her mama sure as hell will!

Flying Under the Radar

Boots JD

I have a table/booth at our local 9 News Health Fair at the school tomorrow. ¬†I’m only a freshman in the EGCM certification program I was accepted into and I’m not ready to open my practice just yet. ¬†I am ready to begin adding email addresses to my database so that I can let people know when I graduate and host a grand opening for my practice (my goal is 1,000 email addresses … I currently have less than 100)! ¬†It’s a sound plan, right? ¬†Talk to people tomorrow, share what I will be doing and gather their email addresses to add to my database. ¬†I’m not selling anything & I won’t be sharing their information with anyone else. ¬†This is a way of sharing what I will be offering as a service to those seeking ways to greater understand themselves, each other and to live a fuller, happier existence. ¬†What a nice way to spend an early Saturday morning!

Big sigh, deep breath ….. except for the fact that I have flown under the radar for a lot of years now. ¬†Yep, that’s right, I don’t socialize much within our community. ¬†I keep my head down, mind my own business and lay low. ¬†Communities out here are small (and by small we’re talking no stop lights, no shopping, no nuttin’ kind of small) and what they say about small communities is true, both the positive and the not so positive. ¬†People talk, and often times they talk about things that, quite frankly, are none of their business and only a fraction true.

I’ve flown under the radar for years (draw this out – yeeeeeeaaaaars)! ¬†This community was less than kind to me and even less interested in truth¬†when I finally summoned the courage to bolt out of my marriage and save my own life. ¬†The nightmare I was living behind closed doors I kept well hidden. ¬†When I got out, this community treated me like the leftovers a dog wouldn’t touch and worse yet, most of these people don’t even know me! ¬†They chose to feast on the lies, the gossip and the fabricated stories they were fed. ¬†Instead of seeking the truth, asking questions or quietly pondering what might actually be happening, they smacked their lips and rubbed their full bellies each time my abuser and his posse spun a tale. ¬†It’s all about who has the most people on their side, right!?! ¬†I shake my head as I type this, it’s utterly ridiculous. ¬†So, grade school-ish! ¬†I chose to play the other card, rarely be seen and never be heard! ¬†I’ve said for years now, “Love me, hate me, but don’t ride the fence.” ¬†I don’t do luke warm!

I believe¬†that eventually truth will prevail. ¬†It just has to! ¬†I recognize that small people gossip, even smaller people gossip and don’t believe it to be gossip. ¬†We all know the type, hell you might be the type! ¬†“I don’t mean to be mean but…” ¬†These people are pc, nice to your face and rake daggers across your back when you aren’t looking. ¬†They smile at you as you pass them in the gym at your kids basketball game and then flip you the bird as you turn your back to sit down. ¬†One thing can be said, most people know precisely where they stand with me. ¬†I don’t have the time or the energy for games and trash talking ….. period. ¬†I highly value the truth and do the best I can to speak truth in love always (not always well received and let’s be honest, people would rather you lie to them especially if they allow truth to hurt their feelings).

I am also of the belief that silence speaks volumes. ¬†The ones running their mouths hoping to drown out the truth that is calling out to be heard tend to be the squeaky wheels in life that get undeserved oil. ¬†I don’t have to share the terrifying details of what the kids and I survived or speak of the looooooong drawn out court battles (narcissists cannot help but try to manipulate the courts – it’s just what they are driven to do) to sway judgement! ¬†You won’t catch me so much as rolling my eyes when someone says something about my abuser. ¬†Generally, when that talk starts, I’ll walk the other way. ¬†I want people to recognize they’ve not heard a negative word fall from my lips regarding my abuser. ¬†I don’t want any part of it and bottom line, life is too short to waste on idle, negative banter.

Back to the table/booth. ¬†I can no longer fly under the radar once I share what I am doing, my hopes of what I’ll build and expose myself to yet more ridicule, backstabbing and trash talking. ¬†I was given an out a couple days ago and I had to take time to respond to one of the organizers. ¬†I don’t even think she knows she gave me an out! ¬†LOL! ¬†However, it’s time to come out from under the radar screen, if only for a few hours tomorrow and share what I am doing. ¬†This work is truly amazing and can be utterly life changing! ¬†People are hurting. ¬†Those that have been most cruel, those who have gossiped the most, those that continue to talk about who they believe me to be ….. they are the ones that are hurting the most. ¬†These are the people desperate for positive, lasting change in their lives and many don’t even know it. ¬†The horses have an amazing way of bringing about shifts in thinking, changes in patterns of routine and healing to past hurts that the world isn’t yet fully aware of. ¬†I have been blessed to have horses in my life since I was itty bitty in one form or another and they have taught me life lessons too great to count. ¬†Horses, their spirit, it’s woven into the very fabric of my heart and what an opportunity to partner with them in the pursuit of mending broken hearts, encouraging others to let their light shine bright and watch positive change impact everyone around them! ¬†Beautiful, magnificent, awe inspiring ripples carrying out into the lives all around us. ¬†The humbling act of “Untethering Hearts” ūüôā

So here’s to coming out from under the radar for a bit, gathering precious email addresses and sharing my journey with others! ¬†It will be a wonderful and slightly frightening day!